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Barack Obama Wins Wendy’s French Fries

Barack Obama Wins Wendy’s French Fries

Fort Wayne, Indiana – United States President visited a local McDonalds’s restaurant yesterday and purchased a Number Two, just the sandwich thank you, with apple slices. After his meal, Obama’s wife noticed he did not get a drink, so they stopped at a neighborhood Wendy’s to buy a large soda. When Obama pulled off the gamepiece on the cup, he was delighted to find he had won a Free Medium Fries with purchase of a regular drink!

Oh, and I guess he won the Nobel Peace Prize the other day as well. But the significance of the two awards are about the same.

Remember that the Nobel Peace Prize is an arbitrary honor that is awarded by an European selection committee. Also remember that Europe is the continent that overwhelmingly supported any measure that made America less powerful in world affairs.

Since his inauguration, Obama has been everything Europe could have wanted and more. He’s backed off promises to protect foreign nations against Iran’s missile systems. He’s sat and watched as Arab nations work to replace the American dollar as trading currency for petroleum. Signs point to him getting ready for a cut-and-run in Afghanistan.

Barack Obama is suave. But he’s not politically smart. And in general, neither are the Americans that support him. Winning the Nobel Peace Prize isn’t a great accomplishment. Obama’s been great as the POTUS, but unfortunately, it hasn’t been for the United States, but rather for Europe and other foreign nations.

America has a different definition of peace than the rest of the world. While America values freedom, safety and individuality, the rest of the world simply just wants America to be as weak as possible. That, for them, is peaceful and comforting to them.

So while George Bush spent eight years protecting America’s peace and projecting it’s strength and independence by responding forcefully to terrorist attacks, freeing Iraq from a bastard dictator and his rapist sons, Europe hates him.

But as soon as Obama comes in and does his best to cripple America in front of the world’s knees, Europe overnights him an award that will stroke his ego and image for awhile, but ultimately continue to weaken America.

And that’s all Europe really wants anyway.

The Differences Between Conservatives and Liberals

I’ve always foud the differences between conservatives and liberals to be extremely intriguing. There are millions of people in this country that claim to be “moderate” – whatever that means, but to me, a moderate is just a cop-out for people that aren’t sure enough of themselves to form real opinions on anything. I found this sitting in my inbox one morning and thought it would be appropriate to pass it along.

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If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one .. if a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat .. if a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy .. if a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is a homosexual, he quietly leads his life .. if a liberal is a homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a person of color is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful .. if a person of color is liberal, they see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to take personally care of his situation .. if a liberal is dow-and-out, he wonders who will take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show off, he switches channels .. if a liberal doesn’t like a talk show host, he demands that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative needs healthcare, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides is .. if a liberal needs healthcare, he demands the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church .. if a liberal is a non-believer, he wants any mention of God and religion silenced (unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he picks himself up, laughs and is embarrassed .. if a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his necks, moans as if he’s in labor and then sues.

Bumper Stickers

Sure, there’s a neat little Facebook application that goes by the same name, but for now I’m talking about the actual adhesive ones that people stick on their cars.

Bumper stickers are, in my mind, a little tacky but more often than not, harmless. They’re kind of like tattoos and piercing whereas one tasteful one is fine, maybe a second one is okay too, but once you start plastering them all over the place and finding the biggest and loudest once you can, then I believe they go too far.

I’ve been conducting research on and off for the past 10 or fifteen years as to whether or not bumper stickers affect a person’s driving ability and have come to the conclusion that they do.

The “My Kid Is An Honor Student at _________ School” Bumper Sticker
I’ve seen these ranging from the local high school, down to the local elementary school. The lower the level of school, the more the driving ability of the parent is impaired. Your kid is an honor student at Blah Blah Blah Elementary School? Most elementary kids still wet the bed, how about advertising that on the back of your vehicle?

The “Honk If You ________________” Bumper Sticker
These range from all sorts of activities and preferences. Honk if you love dogs, honk if you tweet, honk if you’re horny, honk if you’re paying my mortgage. They pull from all walks of life and as a general rule, they’re all annoying. I’m debuting my “Honk If You Want My Glock Pointed at Your Car” sticker later this month. It’d probably cut down on honking and annoying drivers at the same time.

The “Baby On Board” Bumper Sticker
What’s the point of this sticker? It’s simply a stuck-on excuse for lousy driving ability. Chances are if a mother or father is stupid enough to spend money on a car decoration like this one, then the child in the car is probably sitting unbuckled in a car seat that’s facing the wrong way and in the front seat. Driving and parenting ability decrease with the presence of this sticker.

The “Anti-Bush” Bumper Sticker
These are typically deployed by people that don’t actually know anything intellectual to insult the former President, but feel he nonetheless must be critiqued next to their muffler. They range from your run of the mill sexual puns referencing his last name to the one that lets you know a town in Texas is missing their village idiot. I saw one that simply said “Impeach Bush” the other day. Maybe that person missed the whole “2008 election” thing. These are exponential multiplying stickers. The more you have, the exponentially worse a driver you become. But the stickers worked! Bush is gone and all it took was eight years and the American Constitution to do it!

The “If You’re Reading This Bumper Sticker You’re Driving Too Close” Bumper Sticker
Next time you are watching the news and a story breaks about an eleven-car pileup on the highway close to your house, hop in your car and head on over there. Chances are the front car has this bumper sticker on it. Ad chances are the car that was behind it was only hoping the sticker bore a phrase that was more clever and mind-stimulating that this POS collection of words.

The “We Belong In The Zoo” Bumper Sticker
Most likely this is a very accurate statement and as such, driving cars should be very low on these driver’s to-do lists. I’ve found that these stickers moderately affect a motorist’s ability to operate a vehicle, but even with ample warning, no one actually cages these morons.

The “Mom’s Taxi” Bumper Sticker
When it’s on Mom’s minivan it’s kinda cute, but it also likely signals the fact that fifteen kids just piled out or into the car and the driver is blowing a .5 on the kids breathalizer. Kids in the backseat of a car aren’t quite as dangerous as teenagers in the driver’s seat but it’s pretty darn close. But it’s most dangerous on the V8 Porsche Cayenne that dad bought for mom when Brianna and Britton are late for soccer practice and mom has to get them there and back before her spray tan fades. She’s put the sticker inside to reduce drag.

Equal

The “Yellow = On A Blue Background” Bumper Sticker
The research on this bumper sticker shows that the origins of this bumper sticker don’t actually stem from any equal rights campaign but rather an unusually clever businessman. Many people aren’t in on the true meaning behind this sticker and slap them on their cars, scooters and tandem bicycles to this day believing they’re fighting oppression and hatred. But in reality they’re alerting other drivers that their driving ability is equal to that of a narcoleptic turkey. Soon they’ll have their own special parking spaces.

The “America-Like It Or Leave It” Bumper Stickers
A variation of the more direct “F**k Off, We’re Full” sticker, this sticker is typically useless unless printed in Spanish. And even then, it’s hard to see bumper stickers when you’ve already piled into the back of someone’s pickup truck at a gas station and are now repeating the word trabajo over and over and over again.

The “Coexist” Bumper Sticker Spelled Out With Symbols
First off, I have found this particular car adornment to be the crowning achievement of any bumper sticker collector’s collection. It apparently can not be adhered to a car unless a minimum of fifteen other stickers are already covering the back of the car. This sticker, in addition to the haze of weed filling the car and the second lesbian in the passenger seat, make this the most dangerous bumper sticker of all. My suggestion is pull over and grab a quick bite to eat, then drive in the opposite direction for awhile, just to be safe.

Avoid at all costs

Avoid at all costs

Change? Or Chains?

Starting with this week’s In 10 Words Or Less, and now with this post, I’m getting really good at puns and play-on-words!

Chains We Can Believe In

Chains We Can Believe In

Splitting Up America

Here’s a letter that a friend shared with me, about the growing schism that divides the American Left from the American Right. I’m passing it along because I’m beginning to think it’s not the worst idea.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters,

We’ve stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know that we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and just will not ever agree on what’s right. So let’s just end it right now while we can do it on friendly terms. We can smile, shake hands, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and each go our own way.

So here’s a model separation agreement.

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a portion. That’s going to be the difficult part, but I’m sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate taste. We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can have those. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. And since you hate guns and you hate war, we’ll take the firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. But you are going to be responsible for finding a biodiesel vehicle big enough to haul them around.

We’ll keep the capitalism, the greedy corporations, the pharmaceutical companies; we will keep Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have the homeless, the homeboys, the hippies and illegal aliens. We will keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, the greedy CEOS and all of the rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and we’ll let you have NBC and Hollywood.

You can be nice to Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer anybody that threatens us. You can have the peaceniks and the war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we will provide them with security. You won’t have to worry about it. We will keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley Maclaine. You can also have the UN, but we will no longer pay the bill.

We will keep the SUVs, the pickup trucks and the oversize luxury cars. You can have the compacts, the subcompacts and every Subaru station wagon you can find. You can give everybody healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors. We will continue to believe that healthcare is a privilege and not a right. We will keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and the national anthem, and I am sure you will be happy to substitute in their place “Imagine.” I’d like to teach the world to sing “Kumbaya” or “We are the world.” We will practice trickle-down economics and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot. And since it so offends you, we will keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots. And if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the friendly spirit of parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in about 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J Wall

Law student and an American

P.S. You can also have Barbara Streisand and Jane Fonda