Sure, there’s a neat little Facebook application that goes by the same name, but for now I’m talking about the actual adhesive ones that people stick on their cars.
Bumper stickers are, in my mind, a little tacky but more often than not, harmless. They’re kind of like tattoos and piercing whereas one tasteful one is fine, maybe a second one is okay too, but once you start plastering them all over the place and finding the biggest and loudest once you can, then I believe they go too far.
I’ve been conducting research on and off for the past 10 or fifteen years as to whether or not bumper stickers affect a person’s driving ability and have come to the conclusion that they do.
The “My Kid Is An Honor Student at _________ School” Bumper Sticker
I’ve seen these ranging from the local high school, down to the local elementary school. The lower the level of school, the more the driving ability of the parent is impaired. Your kid is an honor student at Blah Blah Blah Elementary School? Most elementary kids still wet the bed, how about advertising that on the back of your vehicle?
The “Honk If You ________________” Bumper Sticker
These range from all sorts of activities and preferences. Honk if you love dogs, honk if you tweet, honk if you’re horny, honk if you’re paying my mortgage. They pull from all walks of life and as a general rule, they’re all annoying. I’m debuting my “Honk If You Want My Glock Pointed at Your Car” sticker later this month. It’d probably cut down on honking and annoying drivers at the same time.
The “Baby On Board” Bumper Sticker
What’s the point of this sticker? It’s simply a stuck-on excuse for lousy driving ability. Chances are if a mother or father is stupid enough to spend money on a car decoration like this one, then the child in the car is probably sitting unbuckled in a car seat that’s facing the wrong way and in the front seat. Driving and parenting ability decrease with the presence of this sticker.
The “Anti-Bush” Bumper Sticker
These are typically deployed by people that don’t actually know anything intellectual to insult the former President, but feel he nonetheless must be critiqued next to their muffler. They range from your run of the mill sexual puns referencing his last name to the one that lets you know a town in Texas is missing their village idiot. I saw one that simply said “Impeach Bush” the other day. Maybe that person missed the whole “2008 election” thing. These are exponential multiplying stickers. The more you have, the exponentially worse a driver you become. But the stickers worked! Bush is gone and all it took was eight years and the American Constitution to do it!
The “If You’re Reading This Bumper Sticker You’re Driving Too Close” Bumper Sticker
Next time you are watching the news and a story breaks about an eleven-car pileup on the highway close to your house, hop in your car and head on over there. Chances are the front car has this bumper sticker on it. Ad chances are the car that was behind it was only hoping the sticker bore a phrase that was more clever and mind-stimulating that this POS collection of words.
The “We Belong In The Zoo” Bumper Sticker
Most likely this is a very accurate statement and as such, driving cars should be very low on these driver’s to-do lists. I’ve found that these stickers moderately affect a motorist’s ability to operate a vehicle, but even with ample warning, no one actually cages these morons.
The “Mom’s Taxi” Bumper Sticker
When it’s on Mom’s minivan it’s kinda cute, but it also likely signals the fact that fifteen kids just piled out or into the car and the driver is blowing a .5 on the kids breathalizer. Kids in the backseat of a car aren’t quite as dangerous as teenagers in the driver’s seat but it’s pretty darn close. But it’s most dangerous on the V8 Porsche Cayenne that dad bought for mom when Brianna and Britton are late for soccer practice and mom has to get them there and back before her spray tan fades. She’s put the sticker inside to reduce drag.
The “Yellow = On A Blue Background” Bumper Sticker
The research on this bumper sticker shows that the origins of this bumper sticker don’t actually stem from any equal rights campaign but rather an unusually clever businessman. Many people aren’t in on the true meaning behind this sticker and slap them on their cars, scooters and tandem bicycles to this day believing they’re fighting oppression and hatred. But in reality they’re alerting other drivers that their driving ability is equal to that of a narcoleptic turkey. Soon they’ll have their own special parking spaces.
The “America-Like It Or Leave It” Bumper Stickers
A variation of the more direct “F**k Off, We’re Full” sticker, this sticker is typically useless unless printed in Spanish. And even then, it’s hard to see bumper stickers when you’ve already piled into the back of someone’s pickup truck at a gas station and are now repeating the word trabajo over and over and over again.
The “Coexist” Bumper Sticker Spelled Out With Symbols
First off, I have found this particular car adornment to be the crowning achievement of any bumper sticker collector’s collection. It apparently can not be adhered to a car unless a minimum of fifteen other stickers are already covering the back of the car. This sticker, in addition to the haze of weed filling the car and the second lesbian in the passenger seat, make this the most dangerous bumper sticker of all. My suggestion is pull over and grab a quick bite to eat, then drive in the opposite direction for awhile, just to be safe.